thanks, i hope to keep this process going perpetually
just to have a place to organize things that i've made or will make
this is an interesting question! and i'm also surprised about the volume of people that are still around from those days and even ask me questions on my website, with the migrations and channel deletions and all... ah, yes, back when i got into osu... and i still play it to this day
to answer your question: a lot of ways... a ridiculous amount of ways. i know back when i was bhp, i sortof lacked empathy? i was oblivious to how i affected other people with my actions. that changed at around the same i changed my name (part of the reason for it was that i really just wanted to mentally distance myself from those old ways). also because of having a lot of attention online, how i regarded others and myself and how i evaluated my own self-worth was all messed up. it wasn't out of any sort of malice, just i was too self-absorbed to realize that other people exist on the same plane of consciousness as me, yet i also valued their opinions of me to the point where it had full control of my psyche... funny how that works
so i guess that's the main way i've changed. those issues are fixed now. and other than that, just general personal growth, i've gotten better at doing the things that i want to do. i've gotten better at dreaming, at knowing and remembering what i'm here to do. i'm no longer completely depressed just wandering through life (which happened for a decent while after 2017ish). i know where i'm supposed to be going, i know what my path is. the farlands journey really was a driver of that growth, too...
but to be honest, if i may speak from my current emotional experience, i'm nowhere near where i want to be. it all still feels really far away. and i'm failing to find the courage to make admittedly risky but necessary changes to my life, because the age-old issue of "living up to other people's expectations" is stopping me. and because i'm failing to find that courage, i'm kind of stuck. i'm stuck in this limbo where i can't give it my all, so i'm really not happy about where i am. which only stacks upon itself over time as i spend more time doing not really much of anything to get where i want to be. now it's not a matter of "i'm not sure what would make me happy," it's "i know what would make me happy but i can't bring myself to do it"
which doesn't even make sense. i just have to do it, right? just do what makes you happy, right? just be a person. just be you, and don't apologize for living your own life the way you want to. but i don't know, i guess i have spent so long being complacent with a subpar state, directing my energy to simply enduring What Is with nothing left for What Could Be. it's like a natural thing for me (and i imagine that's the case with most people). and i guess this is all immediately coming out the moment i get prompted to openly think about anything related to this because it really is the most pressing issue. it's the biggest hugest problem there is. and i need to do something about it.
anyway. that's how i've changed. used to tackle the problem of "who am i supposed to be" and "where am i supposed to go," and now tackling "how can i be who i want to be" and "what do i have to do to get there," in spite of what other people's ideas of who i should be are. not sure if you were expecting such a long and personal answer... but i mean this tiny little website i built for myself has always been a place of self expression anyways so it was just the natural thing to do. and i guess writing all this somewhere where anyone can see it sortof forces me to think about it, and be like mentally present as myself and not as a shell that mimics what other people expect me to be BECAUSE I REALLY HAVE TROUBLE WITH THAT. seriously i just have to be who i am, and i keep reaching this same conclusion over and over...
well, that's what's up. hopefully i can change further. hopefully one day this will be buried deep in a long list of questions, and the answer i give to someone who asks about this issue can be written in the past tense. that's the idea
probably some kind of fake person
buy where
i don't remember ever trying one of those
i'm quite used to being cold already
recently i was working on an "osu!" private server project. which is now my favorite game for 8 years at this point. actually i was pretty excited to do something like that for a long time and i was actually able to complete it in every way i cared about. my coding ability has definitely come a long way even from 2 years ago which is cool. though honestly, when i did it all, it felt a lot emptier than i thought it would? or at least i didn't feel as good about it as i would've if i managed to figure out how to do in 2023 when i originally tried. it's still cool though.
other than that, i am a university student. it's kind of difficult for me to do the work because i don't really inherently care about it so i waste a lot of time wrestling with my brain lol... it's why pretty much every significant project i've completed in recent times is during times where i'm on break. for example, most of the progress on this website (and https://farlands.cc) and my osu private server were a result of being around the time of winter break...
one thing i have been meaning to do but haven't gotten around to, is the farlands video. i know it's somewhat of a time-sensitive thing because the farlands VOD won't be getting more attention forever but for some reason i've been pushing it off. the best candidate for a time it will come out is this summer... but by then it will have been nearly a full year since i reached the farlands. oh well
been thinking of strategies to make it easier to wrestle with my brain because it really does waste so much of my time. perhaps i could log all of my activities publicly so that there is an incentive to do more so i can have that shown off to everyone permanently. and also a disincentive to do less to avoid a feeling of shame for not doing enough (since i would want people to perceive me as a hard-working person). maybe it'd be possible for that be an unhealthy system. but i'd rather be overworked and stressed about doing the next thing, than underworked and stressed that i'm doing nothing. well, there is also always the possibility that such a system actually does nothing to nudge my brain in the right direction and i end up only ever getting the 'shame' bit. but maybe after some effort i would overcome that, and someone might be inspired to set up something like that themselves as a way to be more productive. can't really know until i give it a go, maybe you'll see that on this website sometime soon
trying to continue being a person
is that true
well someone has to shift it
love when they do that
someone you know
sure you can
hi
might be true
maybe but not because of The War Within™
likely inaccessible to you, and it's also time-limited
technically this still partially exists but not in the form you're probably thinking of
i will think about it
collecting as much meaning as possible